“Who am I now?” is a question that has plagued me in the five-and-a-bit years since Chris died, and it’s been at its loudest in the last year since my youngest daughter started university. This was when I realised that I was finally at the place Chris and I had spent hours talking and dreaming of - children gone and no grandchildren yet - when we could do all the things that we wanted to do. This new, without Chris, version of me has felt lost - probably half the things we talked about were things he wanted to do and I would have gone along with, and of the other half, a lot of them are nowhere near so much fun on my own.
Confidence and self image are also affected when you are widowed. Chris loved me so much - at my biggest and at my slimmest - he told me often that he thought I was beautiful. There comes a point in a relationship where you can feel like they are just saying it because they have to - but I could always tell he meant it. Without him around, who was there to tell me I was beautiful when that inner voice was telling me the opposite? I became so sick of being told I was “strong” - I wanted to still be seen as loveable, beautiful, interesting, fun - but after Chris died all anyone called me anymore was brave, or strong.
I discovered earlier this year, during my retreat in Portugal, how important it was that I learned to love myself, to accept myself. Without Chris around it is essential that I love me, that I take care of myself the way that he would do if he was still here. It’s easier said than done - women in particular are so easily self critical - we often speak to ourselves in a way we would never allow anyone to speak to our friends! We focus on the bits of our bodies that we don’t like, we self deprecate to deflect compliments, we call ourselves names… (I say we as I am pretty sure it isn’t just me!)... we put others before ourselves constantly.
The retreat in Portugal was the beginning of this journey for me. My beautiful host Agnes gently pushed me to recognise when my inner voice was being cruel and to change that dialogue, to say that I loved myself until I actually meant it and believed it.
Unexpectedly, my trip to Machu Picchu was the next step. In pushing myself through the mental and physical challenges and fears that got me to fly solo to Peru, to join a group of strangers and to hike longer distances at higher altitudes than I had ever done before made me look at myself differently. I stood at the Sun Gate looking down at the Incan site that I had spent years dreaming of, and felt a genuine pride in and love for myself. I felt invincible, warrior like, and so unapologetically happy. I wanted to bottle that high!
It was in that context that soon after returning home I replied to an advert for a “Boudoir Photography Experience” with Divine Divas. They were selecting women with a story to win a photography experience and I thought it was worth a go! After Peru I was seeing myself in a completely new way - instead of focusing on all the bits I didn’t like, I was proud of this body that had got me over mountains, and I believed I was amazing! I wondered if this boudoir experience would be a way to capture these feelings.
I have to be honest that I wasn’t really sure how it was going to help, but something about it appealed to me and I was delighted when I was chosen to take part. I booked the shoot for a couple of days after my 51st birthday. Not too old - I will never be this young again!
The process for the shoot was far more detailed and intensive than I had expected. I had a long interview with Jess where we talked about the feelings I wanted to capture in my shoot - she asked careful questions to elicit who was the Sue that was hidden away and that I wanted to bring out. There was a further similar call with Jess a week later, followed by a call with the make up artist, Shannon, and another with the photographer Jesse. They even called a couple of my friends to get another pespective on who I am- by the time I turned up on the day it felt that I was being greeted by old friends, and there was a clear brief for the day. The photographer put me at ease and I was so pampered all morning that I felt like I had been on a spa day.
Looking at the photos in the afternoon was a revelation!
In one of my favourite photographs I am laughing and looking up at the camera - in this shot is captured the happy, hopeful, beautiful, fun, fearless, kind, generous woman who wants to seize life and squeeze out every drop of goodness that is there to be enjoyed. She looks as though she could do anything she sets her mind to. She is the Sue that Chris fell in love with - she is still in there - and I love her too.
Some of the shots were significantly more sultry. I saw myself from angles I never had before. I had deliberately been bold in my outfit choices and challenged myself to push my boundaries, but looking at these artistically lit photos of my body I wondered who was this sexy, fun, sensual woman? I admired my toned legs (the ones that had got me over literal mountains), I noticed that my bum is perfectly peachy, and I realised why I get so many comments about my eyes (and my cleavage!). I wasn’t bothered by the bits that I am so critical of - I didn’t notice them when I saw the whole of me. I didn't care about the weight I still want to lose. I looked at these photos and saw the “me” that my friends see - I realised that when they tell me I am amazing they are not being kind - they mean it!
There was a point in one during one of the sets of photos where something clicked - I realised I was enjoying myself - I KNEW I looked great, I felt amazing - and I was loving the feeling of being photographed and that this energy was being captured on film. I can’t recommend the boudoir experience enough. I wish that every woman could feel that moment of realisation that I AM enough, I AM beautiful, I AM sexy, I AM amazing. I AM SO MUCH MORE THAN [A WIDOW]*!
It seems crazy and inexplicable that this is all achieved by having some photos taken in pretty lingerie. The vulnerability of being seen - unmasked in every way - also means removing all those labels and getting to the core of yourself. In this experience I wasn’t a widow, a mother, a business woman. I also wasn’t strong, brave or keeping it together. I was just me. Amazing, free, adventurous, bold, fun, ME! And it was so liberating!
The hardest part of the day was choosing the photos. The one downside of the experience is the cost of having prints and my advice is to research this in advance and be really clear about your budget and have an idea of what you can have to fit within that. There is no hard sell at Divine Divas - but the emotion of seeing yourself in such a new way is intoxicating and it could be easy to get carried away. I think if you are honest about what you can afford the wonderful team there will guide you to the pictures that most meet your brief and capture the essence you were looking for from the day.
I am not suggesting that a boudoir photographic experience is a necessary step for widowhood, this is just one of the steps on my own personal journey of working out who I am by pushing my boundaries and doing things that scare me! I believe that learning to understand and love who I am is essential for my future happiness.
In the end, the scariest aspect of this experience has been publishing this blog. After all - my mum reads it!! But I am also worried that it could be misunderstood. I have dabbled in dating in the last year, and I am tired of men who are only interested in my physical appearance but not my mind or my heart. It's boring to have men contact you on a dating app with the opener "nice rack" - so how does an experience like this help with that?
The photos I had taken are for me, they are not sleazy in any way. Somehow they have reminded me of my worth. The photos are obviously of my physical form - but suprisingly the experience and the pictures have helped to reveal a little bit of my soul. Looking at them has the effect of triggering the memories of how I felt in the studio, and at the Sun Gate - the joy, the self worth, the boldness, the fierceness and the softness that are all part of me. This experience, and these photos have effectively bottled the high!
*insert limiting label here!